I’m Still Here

If I haven’t written, it’s not really because things are out of the ordinary. Since returning from Christmas vacation with my mom and brother in Roatán and Guatemala, I’ve been doing the usual, making the office rounds and getting sick. I’ve done a bit of proposal writing and (gasp) surveyed part of a water system. I suppose I will admit to one difference, but only one: what has changed is time.

It’s not like before, when I would do anything to distract myself from the fact of having too much of said entity. Since being a volunteer precludes becoming a workaholic, I’ve tried other innumerable solutions to the problem of excess time. I’ve read a dozen books in a single month, or spent all my waking hours with Sandra in her family’s pulpería (corner store). Blog writing has been an occasional comfort but not a reliable way to stave off the ill effects of too much solitude, as reflection can have a way of reminding me of the worst as well as the best of myself and my life.

But now, if I haven’t written, it’s because time has been moving too fast rather than too slow, because suddenly I am stumbling over that heap of work that always materializes just when I was preparing to wind down. Of course, with that rapid passage of time comes the contemplation of what’s next. I confess that since last fall I have been planning my escape from Honduras, scheming of side trips in Mexico on the way home and dreaming of free time with long-missed friends once I’m back. But now that my Change Of Scenery date is a nearly daily conversation topic with friends, co-workers and bosses alike, I am gripped with a sudden fear: that I Am Not Going To Like Being Home. Everything will be expensive. I won’t be able to strike up a harmless conversation with a stranger without being regarded suspiciously. I will hear too much about the big problems of the world and not enough about the small ones. I will get cold!

I’m getting way ahead of myself, I know. But I’m already thinking that maybe I should extend my service past the beginning of August when I’m scheduled to end. I’ll only need a little more time to get my nascent projects on their feet, maybe three more months. That way I’ll know that I’ve made some real progress and will feel good about leaving. I guess.